Our Special Journey December 2012

1^st December 2012, Angelo Jack you should be 5 weeks old today. Today is also your Auntie Laurissa’s 6^th birthday. Mummy completed your project with the help of Nanny and Uncle Nicholas. All your Christmas tree ornaments are nearly gone already, I can’t believe how quick they have gone but it’s amazing as there is many people who want to have one to remember a very special little boy. Mummy is going to have to make more for you to keep up with the demand for them, just can’t believe how well they have gone down. It’s all for you Angelo Jack my special little boy. Mummy and Daddy miss you millions and loves you with all my heart but all your little projects are helping me as I know you will live on in many people hearts.

Angelo Jack's project stage 3

3^rd December 2012, there are lots of projects going on all around the world in memory of our little angels. A lot of people are doing angel trees, others are making graphics. Here are the ones that have been done for Angelo Jack.

A graphic that's been done for Angelo Jack

Angelo Jack on an angel tree

Angelo Jack with all the other angels on an angel tree

Angels made for an angel tree

Graphic

Graphic

7^th December 2012, I went to London with Joel, we went to Saint Paul’s church for the SANDS lights of love service. It was amazing, it was a lovely service. We lit candles for Angelo and remembered our special little boy.  We stayed in a hotel for the night and had a walk around London. We went to winter wonderland and then back to the hotel. It was a nice break away and a nice change of scenery.

8^th December 2012, while we were in London we went to Saint Paul’s cathedral before coming home. We had a look around the cathedral and walked up to the whispering gallery. While we were there we lit a candle for Angelo. Angelo Jack it is your daddy’s birthday today but you should also be 6 weeks old as well today. Mummy and Daddy love you so much. I went out on my first night out since having Angelo, I went to a lady’s night with mum and wow it was a good night.

9^th December 2012, I went to a children’s Christmas party with mum and the kids today, I am so proud of myself as I had a cuddle with a 6 month old little boy, it’s the first cuddle I have had with a baby since I had Angelo. It was hard but yet it felt so right. I feel that Angelo is saying its ok mummy, it’s time to move on, he says I am healed now I’m in heaven and now it’s time for you to heal. I will always love you Angelo Jack, I will never forget you. You will always live in my heart and through me you will live on now and always. 

10^th December 2012, I went to the hospital today to see the consultant with regards to the 3^rd degree tear that I had from having Angelo. They explained what it was and have said that I got it because Angelo was back to back and was born being a star gazer with his head extended back and the fact that he was born so quickly too. They have given me some good news and have said that they are happy for me to have another normal birth again in the future as I have had no major problems. They have said that it’s healing very well so all in all a very good day.  I have created another memorial page for Angelo today too, the link is http://angelo-jack-smith.gonetoosoon.org/ feel free to go on and leave a candle or a written tribute.

13^th December 2012, I received a letter in the post this morning saying that one of your balloons had been found, It was found between clapthorn and upper Benfield near oundle, it was found on the 7^th December, the day before your Daddy’s birthday.

The Note

16th December 2012, i set up a fundraising page on Facebook for Angelo Jack, the link for this page is https://www.facebook.com/pages/Angelo-Jacks-Special-Star/464223330303095. Angelo Jack you are so special to us, not a day goes by where we don't think about you. Angelo's Christmas tree decorations are selling extremely well.

Angelo's Balloons that we released

23rd December 2012, today is Mummy's birthday, its so hard knowing that i should have an 8 week old baby here celebrating with me. Its my 1st birthday as a Mummy and you should be here with me not up in the clouds.Your Daddy bought me my 1st Mum card and made me cry with it, i know you are always with me Angelo. Love you so much Angelo Jack.

25th December 2012, Christmas day was so hard without you, my mind did nothing but think about you, Mummy had a few tears, and Daddy was working. Both of your Nanny’s had a few tears too. We all miss you dearly but there’s not a day that goes by where we don’t think about you.  Angelo Jack you should be here with us celebrating your 1st Christmas with us, Mummy and Daddy miss you so much it hurts, we ask our selves will it ever get any easier, will our hearts ever mend.  Daddy bought me a star to remember you by, it means the world to me, Nanny and pappy got us a tree in your memory, Nanny and Grandad got us a pooh bear with angel wings in your memory, you will never ever be forgotten. Love you and miss you millions son. I just wish I could turn back the hands of time and have you here with us. We miss you so much Angelo Jack.

29th December 2012. We are doing well with your page, we have 98 likes on it all ready  we are hoping to get it to 100 by the new year. Together we will raise awareness of T18 and together you will live on through your memory and in us. Love you so much Angelo Jack.

31st December 2012, we are at 100 likes on your fundraising page. The link is https://www.facebook.com/pages/Angelo-Jacks-Special-Star/464223330303095

Please check us out, Like and share, help us to get the awareness of T18 out there and open up people eyes. Thank you for your support throughout our pregnancy, please carry on supporting us by helping us to get the awareness out there. Thank you

Celine Dion - Fly

this was also played at our sons funeral. love you so much Angelo Jack, fly high little man, watch over us and guide us. x x x x x

I'm Your Angel - R.Kelly and Celine Dion (With Lyrics)

1 of the songs played at Angelo's funeral. he will always be our angel, he will watch over us and guide us. love you so much son. x x x x x x

Our Journey November 2012

2^nd November 2012, Angelo came back to Northampton today; he’s finally at the funeral directors.  Angelo was playing games this morning, the cheeky little monkey that he is, I heard the knocker go on the door 4 times, I got up to have a look, there was nobody at the door then I heard the letter box go and I got up to have a look and again nobody was there. I believe it was his way of saying mummy I’m home and I’m still around, I’m watching over you. Me and Joel went to see him this afternoon, I walked in the room and he was wrapped in his monkey blanket and dressed in his mummy’s little man vest and I love daddy baby grow. I had to unwrap him from his blanket and check to make sure he was left in the same clothes that we put him in and that he had his nappy on. He looked so peaceful and perfect laid in a white Moses basket. He looked like he was sleeping. We put his teddy bear in with him as he looked so small and lost in the Moses basket. I picked him up and had a cuddle; daddy had a cuddle with him too. We sat talking to him and telling him stories. Daddy was farting and blaming Angelo, We lit a candle for him as there were candles in the room with him. We sat with Angelo for about an hour and then went to mums after. I gave Angelo a kiss and put him back in the Moses basket and told him I loved him and I would see him tomorrow with daddy and his great grandparents. When we went to mums Laurissa gave me a picture that she drew for Angelo, she said Stacey send this to Angelo so when we go and see him again tomorrow morning I will put it in with him for her. 

3^rd November 2012, took Joel’s grandparents to go and see Angelo today, they were over the moon with him. Went to town with Joel today too, went to the tattoo shop with Angelo’s footprints, told them what I wanted doing and they are designing me my tattoo using his footprints. I am going back to see Angelo on Monday after we have sorted out his funeral arrangements. I can’t wait to see the design for my special tattoo.  I set up a memorial page to Angelo, The link is http://angelo.jack.smith.27.10.2012.muchloved.com/frame.aspx?. You can light candles on there and write little messages to Angelo too.

5^th November 2012, Midwife came to see me at home again today; she has taken my notes away to copy for me and will bring them back to me on Thursday so that I have a copy to keep. I won’t be discharged from midwifery care yet as they feel it’s too soon to discharge me and want to keep a closer eye on me. I have to go to the funeral directors this afternoon to sort out Angelo’s funeral with his daddy, then I can go and have my cuddle with Angelo and see our special little boy. We received Angelo’s photos in the post this morning from now i lay me down to sleep. A few of our favorite photos are below.

Angelo our special boy

Mummy, Daddy and Angelo

Mummy, Daddy and Angelo

Mummy and Angelo

Daddy and Angelo

 6^th November 2012, went and saw my godmother today, had such a laugh over there, Nanny gnome said she had a white feather on her pyjama bottoms this morning, I believe Angelo sent it to her. Angelo was playing games with the front door again today too, it kept knocking but nobody was there, he’s being so cheeky. We went and saw Angelo with his daddy. We spent an hour with him before we came home.

7^th November 2012, should have a phone call today with a date being confirmed for Angelo’s funeral. We have asked for family flowers only and then anyone else can make a donation to Angelo’s fund to get his charity set up for 4d scans so that we can pay for other people with trisomy babies to have them done. Rang the midwife again today as my wound down below is starting to open up, I have to go to the doctors and get another 2 courses of antibiotics. Angelo Jack is determined to make mummy wait even longer to have her vodka. The vicar rang us today to arrange an appointment to come and see us; he’s coming tomorrow morning at 11am to arrange the funeral service arrangements for Angelo Jack. We went and spent an hour with Angelo; I gave him a cuddle and lots of kisses and sat talking to him and telling him stories about his mummy and daddy. We put him back in his Moses basket and said goodnight to him, told him we loved him and that we would be back tomorrow.     

   8^th November 2012, my midwife came to see me again today, she’s on holiday for 2 weeks now and will come and see me again when she gets back. The vicar father Nicholas came to see us today to discuss Angelo’s service with us and what we wanted. We have decided that Angelo will travel with us and we will carry him in. We will have family flowers only and anyone else can make a donation to get Angelo’s charity started up. Angelo’s funeral is on Wednesday 14^th November at 11am.We went and saw Angelo again today, spent an hour with him, we told him stories about mummy and daddy.

9^th November 2012, we went in to town today to have a look at the designs for Angelo Jack’s special tattoo that we are having done. Wow my butterfly design is amazing, it’s so much better than I imagined. I am going to have it done tomorrow so that it’s done before his funeral on Wednesday and then I will always have a part of him with me. Going to see Angelo this afternoon and I will be telling him all about his special tattoo. Mummy and Daddy love you so much Angelo Jack. 

Mummy's tattoo design

writing  design for tattoo, i'm having the one with the hearts.

10^th November 2012, we went and saw Angelo this morning, spent an hour with him, talking to him and having cuddles with him. We told him all about out tattoos and that today is the day that we finally get them done. After we had had our cuddle with him we put him back in to the Moses basket with his bears, drawings that Laurissa and Peter done, photo of Mummy and Daddy, poem that Auntie Jean wrote and his red rose from Mummy and Daddy. We said goodnight, told him that we loved him and that we would be back on Monday afternoon to see him again. This afternoon we went to have our special tattoos done in memory of Angelo Jack, ouch it was painful but Angelo is worth every ounce of pain. I absolutely love our tattoos; they are amazing and mean so much to us.

Mummy's tattoo

Daddy's tattoo

 12^th November 2012, went to see Angelo again today, spent an hour with him. We were talking to him and telling him stories. Miss him so much already, I just wish I could make everything all right and bring him back to us.

13^th November 2012, going to see Angelo for the last time today before his funeral tomorrow, absolutely dreading it, feel sick to the stomach just thinking about it. I don’t want to let my son go and say goodbye to him, I want him to be with here with us and not for him to be an angel. It’s just not fair, we would of looked after him and loved him, it’s such a cruel world, it makes me so angry when you look around at people and at the world and you see so much of people that are not looking after their children properly or dumping their children on every tom dick and harry. I still can’t stop asking myself questions, why did this happen to us? Why were we given our son for him to be taken away? I try and think positive and look forward to the future but it’s not always easy. We went and saw Angelo Jack again today for the last time, we sat talking to him and holding him close. For me it’s been a day of tears, it was hard knowing I was seeing him for the last time and leaving him behind. We put him back in his Moses basket, gave him a kiss and said goodnight to our precious boy. I left in tears today but I know that Angelo will always be with me, he will always be in my heart and watching over me. I love you so much Angelo Jack, you are the brightest star in the sky shining so brightly.

14^th November 2012, today is the day of Angelo’s funeral, I hardly slept last night but then neither did Joel. I was up at 7.30 this morning, fighting back the tears. I went on my laptop to try and distract my mind; we went and got ready at 10am. Angelo came home briefly at 10.30; we left at 10.35 to get up to the crematorium for 11am. We travelled with Angelo and held on to him in his coffin all the way up. We carried his coffin in to lay our precious boy to rest. We put his coffin down and told him we loved him and gave him a kiss goodnight. We lit our precious sons candle at the beginning of the service and blew it out for him at the end. We had I’m your angel by Celine Dion played when we bought him in and fly by Celine Dion when we came out. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the crematorium. It was a beautiful service. We only had family flowers and those who wish to have made donations to Angelo’s fund in his memory, we are using his fund to set up a charity to pay for other people with trisomy’s to pay for them to have 4d scans. We came home and had something to eat and plenty of drinks, we let Angelo’s balloons off at home as they were going to be done at the crematorium but we both forgot about them being in the car so we just bought them home and done it at home. Each balloon had a little note attached to the string explaining why it was released and for whoever finds them to write a card or a letter back to us telling us where it was found and which balloon it was that they have found. 4 balloons were released in total and we also released some lateens when it was dark. It was beautiful, well until one got stuck in the tree in the garden so dad had to get up the step ladder and release it with the washing line pole so that it could carry on floating up in to the night sky. There had to be 1 that got stuck in the tree and didn’t want to float away, we were all laughing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO6Baeg088c fly by celiene dion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kzdekl3Qj8c  im your angel by celiene dion and r kelly

Dad trying to remove the lantern out of the tree with a ladder and washing line prop.

15^th November 2012, we sorted out the house today and tried to get back to normality as best as we can. We took Angelo’s flowers up to the crematory and put them on to my Grandad’s grave, my big sister’s grave and Michael’s grave. They look absolutely beautiful on their graves. I kept 2 bunches of flowers at home and put them on the table. Love you so much Angelo Jack, can’t stop thinking about you my special boy.

Angelo Jack's flowers on Grandad Jack's grave

Angelo Jack's flowers on my sister's grave

Angelo Jack's flowers on Micheal's grave

Angelo Jack's flowers that we kept at home

17^th November 2012, Angelo Jack you should be 3 weeks old today, not a day goes by where Mummy and Daddy don’t think about you. I can’t believe how quick all this time has gone, it’s just flown by. One day just seems to roll in to the next. Mummy and Daddy miss you so much son, it’s not the fact of knowing you have gone to be an angel its knowing you are never coming back that’s killing us more than anything else. We will have you home soon and believe me that day can’t come quick enough, we just want your ashes home so that you are at home with us and where you belong. 

19^th November 2012, we finally got our precious little boy home today; he’s now at home, home where he belongs. So glad he’s home, now I might be able to relax a bit more because I know he’s safe here with us. He’s staying at home with us for as long as we want him here until we are ready to bury him. Angelo is sitting on top of the chest of draws with all his teddy bears and underneath the casts of his feet. Love you so much Angelo Jack, miss you millions but I know you are always in your mummy’s and daddy’s mind and heart. You are the brightest star in the sky and you are watching over us. 

24^th November 2012, Angelo Jack you should be 4 weeks old today. Mummy is going to start on a little project just for you. Mummy is going to make stars and angels Christmas tree decorations and then mummy will sell them to raise money for your fund. I am doing it for three reasons, one is so that my sons memory lives on, two to raise awareness of Edwards syndrome and three to enable us to help other mums who have a fatal diagnosis and choose to carry on with there pregnancy.

Angelo Jack's project Stage 1

Angelo Jack's project stage 2

Our Journey October 2012

3^rd October 2012, we are now 37 weeks exactly; Angelo is doing very well and still proving the doctors wrong. I my midwife again today, she is very happy with Angelo and with me; she too is hoping and praying for a miracle. My bump is measuring 34 centimetres today so he is still growing. Angelo is 4/5 palpable so only 1/5 of his head is engaged in to my pelvis, I am surprised at this after moving stuff over the weekend. Angelo’s heart rate is nice and regular, it was 134 beats per minute today. I am going back to see my midwife again at 39 weeks, well providing I haven’t already had him and I see my consultant next week. Angelo still likes to play football with his daddy and with mummy’s ribs. I should be getting my pictures back next week too from our photo shoot so I will be sure to put some of them on so you can all see them. 

4^th October 2012, I spent the afternoon and evening at mum and dad’s house, I went and picked Laurissa up from school, we did the usual routine of going to the cake shop and then over to the other shop for magazine and sweets. When we got home she sat poking my belly trying to get Angelo to move but he wouldn’t move. I had some dinner and a cold drink, we sat reading Laurissa’s magazine and Angelo decided he was going to start moving and kicking. Laurissa put her hand on my belly and could feel him giving her nice big kicks and moving about, she loved it; her face was amazing to watch her expressions. Later on in the evening she came back for me, she was poking my belly to try to make him move but he wouldn’t move, mum sat squirming at Laurissa poking my belly, me and Laurissa did nothing but laugh at mum.Mum sat the other side of the room and could see Angelo moving about in my belly.The daft dog decided it was going to cuddle up to me and use my belly as a pillow, well that is until Angelo decided to move and kick the dog then the dog looked at me gone out and moved.

Daft dog using my bump as a pillow, 37 weeks and 1 day

5^th October 2012, we are 37 weeks and 2 days, only another 19 days until his due date, Angelo is doing so well. We are so proud of him. I am finding it so hard to stay positive now. When I go out I always get asked how long I have left, what I am having. These are so hard to answer as I don’t know the outcome with our son; I don’t know how much time that we have left with him, all I know is that he is poorly and nothing can change it. I am scared of not knowing how much time we have left with him, if I had a magic wand and could make it all go away then I would, my only wish is that I have our son with us forever and for him not to poorly. Angelo Jack mummy and daddy love you so much, you are out little miracle and our star. X x x x x x x x x 

6^th October 2012, we are now 37 weeks and 3 days, only another 18 days left until Angelo’s due date.  Angelo has been sticking out his feet and arms out of the side of my belly. I have been out with mum and Laurissa most of the day today, bought Angelo a £30 bear for 20 pence, bargain of the day. Had a lovely take away with Joel then went up to blockbuster and rented some DVD’s, spent the evening in front of the tele chilling out and cuddled up watching different DVD’s. I had a look at the statics for our blog as well today; it has had 9048 views, let’s see if we can get it to 10000 views by the time Angelo is born.

37 weeks and 3 days bump

37 weeks and 3 days bump

8^th October 2012, we are now 37 weeks and 5 days in to the pregnancy. I have been back to Milton Keynes again today and seen my consultant. Dad came with me as Joel was at work, the consultant did another scan. He said that Angelo has got ridiculously long legs. Angelo was being stubborn as he kept kicking and moving while my scan was being done, he was kicking the probe when trying to check the blood flows to him and the placenta, trying to scan his head to get a measurement he kept shaking his head. I am convinced he was saying no you’re not getting me today. My consultant is happy with Angelo and with me and says that I don’t have to go back and see him again until the 25^th October. Hopefully I have had him by then as I really don’t want to be induced. I just have to see my midwife every week just to keep an eye on everything. Angelo is so active; he’s always moving and playing football with his daddy’s hand.

10^th October 2012, we are now 38 weeks and Angelo is still going strong and fighting. Only another 2 weeks left until his due date. We got our special disk back today with the pictures on from our photo shoot, I will put some of them on to here but you can view them all on Angelo’s page on facebook, the link is https://www.facebook.com/groups/262631393838701/. Angelo got bought a lovely vest with his name on from his nanny and granddad too, it’s so cute. Angelo is making us so proud by getting this far and still fighting, he is our little miracle and we love him so much. Had a look at the stats for Angelo’s blog today, we have hit the 10 thousand mark and gone past it, we are now at 10282 views. I am amazed, so proud of our son, can’t believe we have gone past the 10 thousand mark, our target was 10 thousand by the time he’s born and we have hit that before he’s even born. Just want to say thank you to everyone who is reading and following our blog, feel free to share it, it will help us to get the awareness out there and open medical professional’s eyes. It will get the positives out in to this world that will help others that just get told the negatives and nothing positive.

Angelo's vest bought for him from his Nanny and Grandad

Me and Joel

Me and Joel

Me and Joel

Joel measuring my bump

Me and my bump

14^th October 2012, we are now 38 weeks and 4 days in to the pregnancy, Angelo is doing well, he’s fighting strong, and he is a little miracle. My bump is starting to drop down now too.  Blog has had 10789 views to date, I can’t believe how well it is doing and how many views that it has had.

Bump at 38 weeks and 4 days

Bump at 38 weeks and 4 days

17^th October 2012, we are now 39 weeks in to the pregnancy, I never thought in a million years that we would ever get this far, Angelo is so active, he’s far too comfy in my belly and is showing no sign of appearing anytime soon. I saw the midwife again today, my bump is measuring 36 centimetres, Angelo’s heart rate was 130bpm and he is now engaged in my pelvis by 2/5. Angelo is such a fighter, he’s so strong. I see my consultant again next week on Thursday (25/10/12) and I see the midwife again on 29/10/12. With any luck I have had him by then but at the moment he’s far too comfortable. Our blog has now had 11598 views.

21^st October 2012, we are now 39 weeks and 4 days in to our pregnancy; we have got 3 days left until Angelo’s due date, a stage where we never thought that we would ever get too. Our son is such a little fighter, he’s a miracle already. Angelo is still fighting and proving all of the doctor’s wrong, we are so proud of him and what he has already achieved in these past few months. We can’t believe how far we have come from when we first found out in the beginning and to where we are now, Angelo loves to play football with his daddy even though he is a bit quieter than what he was but he is still moving about. He plays football first thing in the morning and last thing at night; occasionally he plays football throughout the day but not very often. The question is now are we going to have any more bump photos or will we have pictures of Angelo. Who knows what will happen apart from Angelo, Angelo is being just like his dad and likes to keep me waiting just like his daddy. I know Angelo will come when he’s ready, but please come soon son as mummy and daddy would like to meet you and have you in our arms, Mummy would also like to have her body back now too, please and thank you son, we love you so much, carry on fighting and proving them doctors wrong.  We have had 12383 views of our blog, I am amazed. If it carries on at this rate we will end up with 15000 views before he is born.

39 weeks and 4 days bump

39 weeks and 4 days bump

25^th October 2012, we are now 40 weeks and 1 day in to the pregnancy, who would have thought I would still have been here now. We saw the consultant at Milton Keynes again today, they did a stretch and sweep and booked me in for induction of labour. The induction has been booked in for Monday 29^th October.  Angelo is now 3/5 engaged in to my pelvis. They said that my cervix was 1centimeter long, 1 centimetre dilated, the cervix is soft and central, and his head is sitting at a station of minus 3.They said the cervix is favourable for induction. They did a scan just to check all of the blood flows to the placenta, cord and to Angelo. His estimated weight is now 5 pounds exactly. I have to ring labour ward at 8am on Monday to ring up to make sure they have a bed for me and for them to give me a time to go in. They can’t confirm that he has got an omphalecele and they are not 100 per cent sure about his heart, we will just have to wait and see what condition he is born in and asses from there. I am having intermittent monitoring as no need for continuous as they won’t act on any signs of fetal distress, they also won’t do a caesarean section for fetal indication, they will only do it for maternal reasons if absolutely necessary. I am scared, apprehensive and excited all at the same time, my head and emotions are everywhere. Yes ok I now have a date but it’s a date where I know that Angelo will become so much more vulnerable, the safest place is for him to be in me but I know that he can’t stay there forever. Angelo Jack, mummy and daddy love you so much, carry on fighting and proving them doctors wrong, you have already stuck your fingers up to them and proved them wrong to even come this far, your mummy and daddy as so proud of you. Angelo pleas be born before Monday as mummy really doesn’t want inducing, mummy wants to be left to do it on her own. Our blog has had 13865 views to date.  

27^th October 2012, we are now 40 weeks and 3 days in to the pregnancy, I had a very bad night, I went to bed at about 11pm and fell asleep at about 1am, I was awake by 4am with bad back ache and period type pains that were going down my legs and in to my thighs. I got up at about half 5 and was walking around the house as I was so uncomfortable, I had some paracetamol at 6 and went back to bed to try and go back to sleep. I fell back asleep and woke up at 8.30, I still had period type pains, I got up at 9 and went to the bathroom, and I had a very bloody show. I rang my mum and rang labour ward. Labour ward asked me a lot of questions and told me to stay at home for as long as I could manage, they did tell me due to me being anxious about being in Northampton and having to travel to Milton Keynes, I could go in to be assessed if I wanted to but if they assessed me and I was not in established labour then I would be sent home again. I told them that I would stay at home for now, they told me to have a bath and have some paracetamol and if I wanted to go in at any point then to ring them up again. I had a bath but this made it worse so I got out, got dried and dressed and put my TENS machine on. I came downstairs and had a cup of tea and 2 bits of toast, later on I had a banana. I have spent most of the morning sitting bouncing on my ball and listening to music. I have also spent some of the morning on my laptop on facebook talking to my friends. I was supposed to go to town this morning for a cup of tea and a catch up with one of my friends but its defiantly not going to happen now today, I may try and go for a walk at lunch time with the in-laws and the dogs to keep things going and try to speed it up at bit. Angelo Jack please be born before Monday so that mummy doesn’t have to be induced, this is painful enough as it is but I have to keep thinking that each pain is 1 pain closer to meeting our special boy. Carry on fighting and prove them doctors wrong, you need to meet so many special people; we all love you so much. I rang the hospital again at 3pm telling them I was coming in as I could no longer cope at home, Joel went and picked up my mum and came back to pick me up. We got to the hospital at about 15.45; I was examined at about 5pm and was found to be 8 centimeteres. I was using the entonox when I got to the hospital as the contractions were more intense. Of course Joel had a few puffs of the entonox, I don’t remember much about my labour, and I can’t even remember the name of my midwife who delivered Angelo. Angelo Jack was born at 18.39, he was born alive, and he was given oxygen and assessed. He was dried and wrapped and given to us. Angelo didn’t pass until he had met his mummy, daddy, nanny, grandad, auntie Laurissa, Uncle Nicholas, peter nanny, pappy and his auntie Mel. He had a cuddle with everyone before he passed. Angelo Jack is just so perfect in every way. He passed and went to be with his great grandad, great grandma, Auntie Andrea and all his T18 friends at 20.30 on 27^th October 2012. Angelo weighed a perfect 4 pounds 11 ounces and was 48.5 centimetres long.

40 weeks and 3 days, in labour

40 weeks and 3 days, last ever bump picture

Everyone left the hospital by 10.30 pm and left me and Joel with Angelo Jack. I had to leave Angelo with his daddy as I had to go to theatre to be stitched up as Angelo shot out of me so quickly that he gave me a 3^rd degree tare. I wasn’t impressed about having to go to theatre and have a spinal done to make me numb so that they could repair me. The spinal scared me even more than the labour pains, I am so proud of myself for the fact that I did my whole labour only using entonox, tens machine and paracetamol. Mum and Joel watched Angelo be born, they said that he flew out of me; the midwife said he came out so quick that the remaining water behind him flew across the room and hit the curtain, door and the neonatal doctor. The midwife also told me that Angelo was born with his head back and looking up to the sky; he was being a star gazer. Malcolm came from now I lay me down to sleep and took some photos of us and of Angelo. Angelo is just so perfect in every way, he’s far too beautiful for this earth, and I know he will be watching over us from above.

Our specail boy Angelo Jack Smith

1st cuddle with Mummy

1st cuddle with Daddy

Cuddles with Mummy and Daddy

28^th October 2012, Tracy the bereavement midwife came in to see us today, she did the casts and foot prints of Angelo’s feet with us, we have got a lock of his hair. Overnight last night I had Joel and Angelo in bed with me, we all slept together and had cuddles together. We got Angelo put in the Angel room for tonight, we gave him a kiss and a cuddle and said goodnight to him and that we would see him in the morning. The midwife took him to the angel room, I fell asleep eventually. Auntie Terrie and Uncle Paul came in today to see us along with my Nan. They came in and had a cuddle with Angelo. Katie came in too today to come and see us.

Doing the moulds for Angelo's footprints

Angelo's finished moulds

29^th October 2012, I saw my consultant today, he was happy for me to go home whenever I was ready. My god parents came in to see us, Uncle Mick and Auntie Maureen had a cuddle with Angelo, Uncle Mick sat talking to Angelo and rocking him, he was over the moon with him. Mathew and Jessica came in yesterday too; they both had a cuddle with Angelo too. We left the hospital to come home at about 8pm that was the hardest thing to do, knowing that I had to leave our special little boy behind. I will be sorting out his funeral arrangements with our family over the next few days. The sooner the better because then we can get Angelo home where he belongs.

30^th October 2012, I am home but feeling so empty. I am so proud of our son, I carried him for 40 weeks and 3 days, we spent some precious time with our special boy, and we created so many memories. I know he will be watching over us, he will be playing games up in heaven. Angelo will always be with us where ever we go; he will always live in our heart and mind. I carry his blanket around everywhere with me because it’s got his smell on it, gives me a bit of comfort knowing I have that with me. Angelo Jack we love you so much, miss you so much already too. X x x x x x x x Good night Angelo Jack, mummy and daddy love you so much, fly high baby boy, watch over us, guide us and give us strength.

31^st October 2012, I had to go and register Angelo’s birth and death today. The hardest thing was registering his death. My boobs started leaking last night too; it hurts so much thinking that there is milk there that won’t be getting used, when it should be getting used by Angelo. Tracy came to see me today, she bought me the casts of Angelo’s feet, they are amazing, and they have come out so clear. We will never forget his little feet, they mean everything to us. Angelo sent us a rainbow today, it was as bright and clear as you like, I took a photo of it but it’s very very faint on the photo even though it was very bright in the sky, I think Angelo is playing games with us and being a right cheeky little monkey. Thank you so much Angelo, you have made mummy’s day, I love you so much son.

Angelo's finished footprints

Our Journey September 2012

1^st September 2012, we are now 32 weeks and 3 days; I can now officially say that we are due our precious little boy next month. It’s scary but exciting all at the same time. Have had a bit of a downer day today, woke up this morning and just sat and cried, in a way the reality of the unknown hit me in the face, I want our precious little boy now more than ever. I went out to a friend’s house to distract my mind, we made cakes and made dinner, had a right laugh. I came home at about 8pm as had to be online for 8.30pm as there has been a secret stork parcel sitting on my table since Thursday and have been told that I’m under strict instructions not to open it until told, but tonight is finally the night. Have to wait until 9pm though, I had to start it off, had this message Right My GORGEOUS Ladies and Babies, There have been...
80 Babies,
79 Parcels
78 Ladies
32 Posting Days

30 Receiving Days 
Millions of Spreadsheet pages
Hundreds of scared postmen
Countless added grey hairs
1 or 2 Heart Attacks
And a cup full of stress for good measure!

It can only mean one thing.... It's here my beautiful Ladies.... 
♥ SECRET STORK DUE IN OCTOBER 2012 ♥

you have all been SUCH a pleasure to get to know, help and watch you all get so excited over this!!!

Stacey - You are to open first - Nearly all of the ladies in here have helped chip in towards your gift - so from all of us - Lots of Love! ♥

once Stacey has opened the rest of you are good to...
READY - STEADY - GO!!!!!!

I opened it and cried but they were good tears, all I can say is that everyone who has been involved in it has been so thoughtful to me, Joel and Angelo Jack. We can’t thank you all enough.

Me with our gifts from secret stork

Our gifts from secret stork

Our special ornament

Our star that's been done for us from all of the girls in Due In October 2012

2^nd September 2012, I have been out all afternoon today, went to an event to raise money for Emily’s star. This was set up as Emily was another T18 baby, her mum and dad set up Emily’s star to help other children and to raise awareness of Edwards’s syndrome. Emily’s mummy and daddy are lovely people, they can relate to us in what we are going through and they understand us to. We are going to meet up again at some point as we are going to go out for lunch and a cup of tea when we are both free. It has defiantly been a lovely day, we have helped Emily’s star raise over £2000 alone today, they should now be able to register Emily’s star as a charity. I didn’t get home until gone 10pm, am off to bed now as it’s been a long day and I am done in, need some sleep well that’s if Angelo and his daddy let me sleep tonight.

Bump at 32 weeks and 4 days

Bump at 32 weeks and 4 days

6^th September 2012, we are now 33 weeks and 1 day. Went back to Milton Keynes again today, saw another consultant but he works closely alongside Mr Hanna, he was lovely too, We set up a plan of action with regards to delivery, I will be left to go in to labour on my own, we don’t know when it will be as I have got too much fluid around Angelo, there’s too much fluid because he’s not swallowing properly due to his diaphragmatic hernia, they have said they think he has got heart problems because they can’t see his heart properly but I don’t believe it. I will  get an appointment to see the bereavement midwife Tracy Rae, I will have a last ultrasound done to get good quality pictures over the next couple of weeks, I will get an ultrasound on admission to labour ward to get a last look at our son before I have him providing there is somebody there who can do it, I will have intermittent monitoring in labour but have asked not to be informed if there is any evidence of distress and I will meet with the neonatal team to discuss a plan of action with them. The consultant had a feel of Angelo but could not determine the position as there is too much fluid in the way which is making it harder to feel him. He had a read of my birth plan and is happy to give me what I have written in it. I know I have got some tasks to do before I have Angelo but I can’t do it, I don’t feel that I can. This should be the beginning of a new chapter, but deep down I know it’s the end, I know our son will pass away but I just don’t know when. No matter what time we get with our son we will value and treasure every second of it. Angelo Jack, mummy and daddy are not giving up on you no matter what, you are in control son nobody else, you are the one making the decisions, mummy and daddy love you so much. I can feel you wiggling around while I’m sat updating this, you are a right little wiggle bum. 

9^th September 2012, been packing boxes up today ready for moving out at the end of the month, packing Angelo’s things up felt absolutely awful, it felt like I had given up on him and was putting him away forever, I know in a sense it makes it easier that I know we are moving house but at the same time I know I probably won’t be able to use his things. I have kept out his clothes, teddy’s, blankets and his boxes that we have started. They are things that are not going anywhere just yet, in a way they are a comfort to me. When we went to be Angelo decided he was going to play football with his daddy’s hand, my god some of them kicks that he gave were big ones, it’s his way of saying mummy, daddy it’s ok, I’m still here and fighting.

10^th September 2012, had a phone call today from Milton Keynes, I have got my last scan at 2.30 pm tomorrow, I have got all mixed emotions about it, I am also seeing the bereavement midwife tomorrow to, just to discuss our wishes for what we want to be done during and after Angelo’s birth. Had a parcel come from America today too, received a Gemma bear, had a little note with it too, I dived out of bed when I heard the door go because I knew what it was and didn’t want to wait any longer for it. 

Angelo's bear

Angelo's bear

The note that came with Angelo's bear

Angelo's bear

Angelo's bear

33 weeks and 5 days bump

33 weeks and 5 days bump

11^th September 2012, went to Milton Keynes again today with Joel to have our last scan. Angelo still has the same problems as before, none of them have gone away or got any worse, they say he has a problem with his heart but I don’t believe it. I met Tracy Rae the bereavement midwife today as well. She tried to read my birth plan but couldn’t read it as it was making her cry; she took a copy of it away to read later. Angelo is still growing but not as well as he has been previously, his growth rate has started to drop off, his estimated weight is now 3 lb 10 ozs. I have got extra fluid around him, the deepest pool is not 9.5 cm, I need to edit my birth plan slightly as Milton Keynes have asked us our opinions on resuscitation and ventilation so they will resuscitate and ventilate if we want them to. I have asked for them to do intermittent monitoring of our sons heart beat during labour but I do not want them to discuss with us if our son shows any signs of distress. I will upload a scan picture later on when I have seen dad and scanned it in to the computer.

Angelo Jack at 33 weeks and 6 days

17^th September 2012, we are now 34 weeks and 5 days in to the pregnancy. We went to Milton Keynes again today to see the neonatal consultant to discuss the plan of action, our wishes, feelings and thoughts. We have told them that we want to give our son the best possible chance and make him as comfortable as possible, we want him to be given oxygen, feeding tube, pain relief and if necessary ventilation but under no circumstances do we want him to be resuscitated. Plan of action is to assess thoroughly at birth, he will be assessed for breathing distress, warmed, dried and stimulated, if he is breathing regularly or gasping he will be given facial oxygen and airway will be opened, if he is not breathing then he will be comforted and given to us, he will not be given forced breaths but will be given oxygen. He will not be given and resuscitative measures i.e. no drugs or chest compressions, he will not be incubated for lung expansion. If he is spontaneously breathing and responds to oxygen and continues to react in a positive way, efforts will be made to transfer him to the neonatal unit. If he deteriorates before he is transferred to the neonatal unit he will be given to us with oxygen. In the neonatal unit he will be given palliative care and constantly assessed, they will keep us informed at every stage. We saw my consultant as well today and had another scan to have a good look at Angelo’s heart, his heart is in the right hand side of his chest, the right hand side of his heart is dilated with a small left side, the septum does not look normal, he has a complex cardiac problem to add to the list of his other problems. Angelo however is still growing and has got ridiculously long legs; his estimated weight is now 3lbs 11ozs. I know we are doing everything that we can possibly do for our son; it just hurts so much to think that he has got another problem so the odds are stacked against him and his chances of survival are further reduced .It hurts to think we probably won’t get to bring our son home. It hurts to think it should be the beginning of a new chapter in our lives but it will be the end. Angelo Jack carry on fighting and proving them wrong, mummy and daddy love you so much.

34 weeks and 5 days bump

34 weeks and 5 days bump

19^th September 2012, we are 35 weeks exactly, so proud of my little man with what he is achieving. I have been and seen my midwife today, bump is measuring 33 centimetres, Angelo’s heartbeat is nice and regular at 148 beats per minute, and Angelo is starting to move down in to my pelvis, his head is 4/5ths palpable. I had my hair cut off today too, I walked in to the house and looked at Joel, he said excuse me love my wife will be home any minute do you mind leaving? Hello I am your wife, made me laugh so much. We are having a bump photo shoot done at 6.30 tonight, can’t wait for that, so excited. We enjoyed our photo shoot tonight, can’t wait to see the pictures.

21^st September 2012, I had a phone call from the photographers today giving me our username and password for our pictures. I logged straight on and had a look at them, wow they are amazing.

23^rd September 2012, we are now 35 weeks and 4 days, we went to build a bear today, we made our son a special bear, we named it baby Angelo. Angelo has been a right wiggle bum today, he’s been playing his usual games with his daddy, it’s so nice just to lay, feel and watch. I love my two boys so much. 

Angelo's bear that mummy and daddy built at build a bear

35 weeks and 4 days bump

35 weeks and 4 days bump

26^th September 2012, we are now 36 weeks in to the pregnancy, a stage where no doctor said that we would even get too. I am so proud of our special little boy, he’s fighting so hard and proving everyone wrong, he is a little star and such a big fighter. I have got to see my midwife again on the 3^rd October and to see the consultant again on the 8^th October. I have had a look at the statics on our blog as well today; we have now had 8485 views. It has been viewed in the UK, US, Australia, France, New Zealand, Germany, Italy, Poland, Slovenia, Russia, South Africa, Netherlands, Canada, Ireland, Switzerland, Argentina, Isle Of Man, Singapore, Gibraltar, United Arab Emirates, Denmark, Israel, Hungary, Chilli, Philippines and Pakistan. 

30^th September 2012, we are 36 weeks and 4 days in to the pregnancy, it has gone so quickly can’t believe that we are in October tomorrow and I can’t believe we only have 24 days left until Angelo’s due date, it’s scary to think he has fought this far but at the same time no one knows what time we have got left with him. I keep trying to picture his little face in my mind, part of me wants to see him now to see who he looks like and how much hair he’s got but at the same time another part of me wants him to stay put in my belly forever because I know he’s safe where he is. Last night I was sat on the sofa watching tele with Joel’s mum, we were sat eating chocolate buttons, I put a handful of chocolate buttons on my belly and Angelo was kicking them off, it was so funny to watch. It was the first time that Joel’s mum had seen my belly move so much. I am convinced that Angelo was saying mum I’m not your table so move everything off of me, Joel’s mum said that he was saying mum stop eating chocolate, who knows what he was trying to achieve apart from Angelo but he defiantly creates his mummy some lovely little memories. In the terms of t18 babies, Angelo is defiantly a little miracle as he is still going strong and fighting at this late stage in my pregnancy. I just hope and pray every day for a miracle and that he carries on fighting and carries on being a miracle. Angelo Jack your mummy and daddy love you so much and you are so special to everyone in the family.

36 weeks and 4 days bump

36 weeks and 4 days bump