November 2012

2^nd November 2012, Angelo came back to Northampton today; he’s finally at the funeral directors.  Angelo was playing games this morning, the cheeky little monkey that he is, I heard the knocker go on the door 4 times, I got up to have a look, there was nobody at the door then I heard the letter box go and I got up to have a look and again nobody was there. I believe it was his way of saying mummy I’m home and I’m still around, I’m watching over you. Me and Joel went to see him this afternoon, I walked in the room and he was wrapped in his monkey blanket and dressed in his mummy’s little man vest and I love daddy baby grow. I had to unwrap him from his blanket and check to make sure he was left in the same clothes that we put him in and that he had his nappy on. He looked so peaceful and perfect laid in a white Moses basket. He looked like he was sleeping. We put his teddy bear in with him as he looked so small and lost in the Moses basket. I picked him up and had a cuddle; daddy had a cuddle with him too. We sat talking to him and telling him stories. Daddy was farting and blaming Angelo, We lit a candle for him as there were candles in the room with him. We sat with Angelo for about an hour and then went to mums after. I gave Angelo a kiss and put him back in the Moses basket and told him I loved him and I would see him tomorrow with daddy and his great grandparents. When we went to mums Laurissa gave me a picture that she drew for Angelo, she said Stacey send this to Angelo so when we go and see him again tomorrow morning I will put it in with him for her.

3^rd November 2012, took Joel’s grandparents to go and see Angelo today, they were over the moon with him. Went to town with Joel today too, went to the tattoo shop with Angelo’s footprints, told them what I wanted doing and they are designing me my tattoo using his footprints. I am going back to see Angelo on Monday after we have sorted out his funeral arrangements. I can’t wait to see the design for my special tattoo.  I set up a memorial page to Angelo, The link is http://angelo.jack.smith.27.10.2012.muchloved.com/frame.aspx?. You can light candles on there and write little messages to Angelo too.

5^th November 2012, Midwife came to see me at home again today; she has taken my notes away to copy for me and will bring them back to me on Thursday so that I have a copy to keep. I won’t be discharged from midwifery care yet as they feel it’s too soon to discharge me and want to keep a closer eye on me. I have to go to the funeral directors this afternoon to sort out Angelo’s funeral with his daddy, then I can go and have my cuddle with Angelo and see our special little boy. We received Angelo’s photos in the post this morning from now I lay me down to sleep. A few of our favourite photos are below.

6^th November 2012, went and saw my godmother today, had such a laugh over there, Nanny gnome said she had a white feather on her pyjama bottoms this morning, I believe Angelo sent it to her. Angelo was playing games with the front door again today too, it kept knocking but nobody was there, he’s being so cheeky. We went and saw Angelo with his daddy. We spent an hour with him before we came home.

7^th November 2012, should have a phone call today with a date being confirmed for Angelo’s funeral. We have asked for family flowers only and then anyone else can make a donation to Angelo’s fund to get his charity set up for 4d scans so that we can pay for other people with trisomy babies to have them done. Rang the midwife again today as my wound down below is starting to open up, I have to go to the doctors and get another 2 courses of antibiotics. Angelo Jack is determined to make mummy wait even longer to have her vodka. The vicar rang us today to arrange an appointment to come and see us; he’s coming tomorrow morning at 11am to arrange the funeral service arrangements for Angelo Jack. We went and spent an hour with Angelo; I gave him a cuddle and lots of kisses and sat talking to him and telling him stories about his mummy and daddy. We put him back in his Moses basket and said goodnight to him, told him we loved him and that we would be back tomorrow.  

 

8^th November 2012, my midwife came to see me again today, she’s on holiday for 2 weeks now and will come and see me again when she gets back. The vicar father Nicholas came to see us today to discuss Angelo’s service with us and what we wanted. We have decided that Angelo will travel with us and we will carry him in. We will have family flowers only and anyone else can make a donation to get Angelo’s charity started up. Angelo’s funeral is on Wednesday 14^th November at 11am.We went and saw Angelo again today, spent an hour with him, we told him stories about mummy and daddy.

9^th November 2012, we went in to town today to have a look at the designs for Angelo Jack’s special tattoo that we are having done. Wow my butterfly design is amazing, it’s so much better than I imagined. I am going to have it done tomorrow so that it’s done before his funeral on Wednesday and then I will always have a part of him with me. Going to see Angelo this afternoon and I will be telling him all about his special tattoo. Mummy and Daddy love you so much Angelo Jack.

10^th November 2012, we went and saw Angelo this morning, spent an hour with him, talking to him and having cuddles with him. We told him all about out tattoos and that today is the day that we finally get them done. After we had had our cuddle with him we put him back in to the Moses basket with his bears, drawings that Laurissa and Peter done, photo of Mummy and Daddy, poem that Auntie Jean wrote and his red rose from Mummy and Daddy. We said goodnight, told him that we loved him and that we would be back on Monday afternoon to see him again. This afternoon we went to have our special tattoos done in memory of Angelo Jack, ouch it was painful but Angelo is worth every ounce of pain. I absolutely love our tattoos; they are amazing and mean so much to us.

 12^th November 2012, went to see Angelo again today, spent an hour with him. We were talking to him and telling him stories. Miss him so much already, I just wish I could make everything all right and bring him back to us.

13^th November 2012, going to see Angelo for the last time today before his funeral tomorrow, absolutely dreading it, feel sick to the stomach just thinking about it. I don’t want to let my son go and say goodbye to him, I want him to be with here with us and not for him to be an angel. It’s just not fair, we would of looked after him and loved him, it’s such a cruel world, it makes me so angry when you look around at people and at the world and you see so much of people that are not looking after their children properly or dumping their children on every tom dick and harry. I still can’t stop asking myself questions, why did this happen to us? Why were we given our son for him to be taken away? I try and think positive and look forward to the future but it’s not always easy. We went and saw Angelo Jack again today for the last time, we sat talking to him and holding him close. For me it’s been a day of tears, it was hard knowing I was seeing him for the last time and leaving him behind. We put him back in his Moses basket, gave him a kiss and said goodnight to our precious boy. I left in tears today but I know that Angelo will always be with me, he will always be in my heart and watching over me. I love you so much Angelo Jack, you are the brightest star in the sky shining so brightly.

14^th November 2012, today is the day of Angelo’s funeral, I hardly slept last night but then neither did Joel. I was up at 7.30 this morning, fighting back the tears. I went on my laptop to try and distract my mind; we went and got ready at 10am. Angelo came home briefly at 10.30; we left at 10.35 to get up to the crematorium for 11am. We travelled with Angelo and held on to him in his coffin all the way up. We carried his coffin in to lay our precious boy to rest. We put his coffin down and told him we loved him and gave him a kiss goodnight. We lit our precious sons candle at the beginning of the service and blew it out for him at the end. We had I’m your angel by Celine Dion played when we bought him in and fly by Celine Dion when we came out. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the crematorium. It was a beautiful service. We only had family flowers and those who wish to have made donations to Angelo’s fund in his memory, we are using his fund to set up a charity to pay for other people with trisomy’s to pay for them to have 4d scans. We came home and had something to eat and plenty of drinks, we let Angelo’s balloons off at home as they were going to be done at the crematorium but we both forgot about them being in the car so we just bought them home and done it at home. Each balloon had a little note attached to the string explaining why it was released and for whoever finds them to write a card or a letter back to us telling us where it was found and which balloon it was that they have found. 4 balloons were released in total and we also released some lateens when it was dark. It was beautiful, well until one got stuck in the tree in the garden so dad had to get up the step ladder and release it with the washing line pole so that it could carry on floating up in to the night sky. There had to be 1 that got stuck in the tree and didn’t want to float away, we were all laughing.

15^th November 2012, we sorted out the house today and tried to get back to normality as best as we can. We took Angelo’s flowers up to the crematory and put them on to my Grandad’s grave, my big sister’s grave and Michael’s grave. They look absolutely beautiful on their graves. I kept 2 bunches of flowers at home and put them on the table. Love you so much Angelo Jack, can’t stop thinking about you my special boy.

17^th November 2012, Angelo Jack you should be 3 weeks old today, not a day goes by where Mummy and Daddy don’t think about you. I can’t believe how quick all this time has gone, it’s just flown by. One day just seems to roll in to the next. Mummy and Daddy miss you so much son, it’s not the fact of knowing you have gone to be an angel its knowing you are never coming back that’s killing us more than anything else. We will have you home soon and believe me that day can’t come quick enough, we just want your ashes home so that you are at home with us and where you belong.

19^th November 2012, we finally got our precious little boy home today; he’s now at home, home where he belongs. So glad he’s home, now I might be able to relax a bit more because I know he’s safe here with us. He’s staying at home with us for as long as we want him here until we are ready to bury him. Angelo is sitting on top of the chest of draws with all his teddy bears and underneath the casts of his feet. Love you so much Angelo Jack, miss you millions but I know you are always in your mummy’s and daddy’s mind and heart. You are the brightest star in the sky and you are watching over us.

24^th November 2012, Angelo Jack you should be 4 weeks old today. Mummy is going to start on a little project just for you. Mummy is going to make stars and angels Christmas tree decorations and then mummy will sell them to raise money for your fund. I am doing it for three reasons, one is so that my son’s memory lives on, two to raise awareness of Edwards’s syndrome and three to enable us to help other mums who have a fatal diagnosis and choose to carry on with their pregnancy.